WE ARE A SOCIETY THAT IS CONSTANTLY SEARCHING FOR PLEASURE. We seem to spend our energy seeking pleasure and avoiding pain at any cost, hoping that by doing this, we will feel happy. Yet, a deep, abiding happiness and joy constantly eludes us. Why is this?
     There is an enormous difference between happiness and pleasure. Pleasure is a momentary feeling that comes from something external – a delicious meal, our stock going up, making love, and so on. Pleasure concerns our senses' positive experiences and good things happening. Pleasurable experiences can give us momentary feelings of happiness, but this happiness does not last long because it depends on external events and experiences.
     It seems that we must keep on having good experiences – more food, more drugs or alcohol, more money, more sex, more things – to feel pleasure. As a result, many people become addicted to these external experiences, needing more to feel short-lived happiness.
I found an article about this issue that recounted a personal experience of the writer who has asked to remain anonymous for personal reasons. I honor that and share his story of how he interacted with a patient several years earlier.
     Thomas sought my counseling services because he “had everything” – his successful business, a lovely wife and children, a beautiful home, and time to enjoy life. Yet he was not happy. While he had momentary feelings of happiness while watching a ball game or socializing with his friends, he also felt anxious and depressed much of the time. The anxiety had become so bad that he was having almost constant stomach pain, which his doctor told him was from stress.
     As we worked together, it became clear that Thomas’s main desire was to control people and events. He wanted others to do things his way and believe the way he believed. He was often judgmental of his employees, wife, children, and friends, believing that he was right and they were wrong. Therefore, his job was to straighten them out with judgment and criticism.
     His energy would become hard, and he would be like a steamroller trying to get his point across and get others to do things his way. When it worked, and others gave in, Thomas felt a momentary pleasure. But the pain in his stomach kept worsening, so he consulted with me.
     Thomas also wanted control over his feelings and would often judge himself as harshly as he judged others to get himself to perform well and feel okay. He judged people harshly when others rejected him, often telling himself that person was an inadequate jerk.
     After several months, Thomas began to see that happiness resulted from being kind, caring, compassionate, and gentle with himself and others – quite the opposite of the judgmental, controlling person he had chosen to be.
     Thomas learned that happiness is the natural result of being present in each moment with love and kindness toward himself and others rather than being attached to the outcome of things and trying to control the outcome of events and others’ behavior. He discovered that he felt deep joy whenever he let go of control and chose caring instead. The anxiety in his stomach went away whenever he intended to be a kind and caring person rather than a controlling one.
     It isn't easy to shift from deep devotion to control and become devoted to love and compassion toward oneself and others. Our ego-wounded self has been practicing control since we were little. Yet the moment we intend to control, our hearts close, and we feel alone and anxious. Our intent to seek safety and pleasure through controlling others, outcomes, and our feelings leads to an inner feeling of abandonment and emptiness.
     We abandon ourselves when trying to control our feelings rather than be kind and compassionate with ourselves. Our anxiety and feelings of emptiness lead to more seeking outside ourselves to fill up with pleasurable experiences. The momentary pleasure leads to addictive behavior.
     When our intentions are guided by love for ourselves and others, we experience a positive transformation. This shift opens our hearts and leads to a sense of joy. Living aligned with spiritual values such as caring, compassion, and kindness naturally fosters deep and enduring happiness.