"I" vs. "You"
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Showing Respect without Arguing
After more than fifty years of marriage, forty-five years of raising two children, and fifteen years of raising a grandson, you would think that I would “get it” when it comes to advising, correcting, and critiquing family members. But I haven’t. The reason is simple: Habit takes over when emotion steps into the conversation. Let me share what I've learned about how to talk to people you really care about. Remember that these principles pertain to friends, relatives, and anyone you care at all about.
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Our Tendency to use the word "You"
Here is a typical conversation:
Me: Son, I noticed that you were drinking pretty heavy at the party the other night.
Son: I don’t think I had too much. I can handle my alcohol.
Me: I know you think that. But, you were being mouthy with our guests and even called Mr. K a really bad name.
Son: He knows I was just kidding.
Me: You don’t know that.
Son: I’ve known him for twenty years. I know him. I can tell.
Me: But, you embarrassed me in front of my friends. This has got to stop!
Son: Okay. I won’t come to any more of your parties. How about that?
Sound familiar???
Like it or not using the word “You” produces defensiveness in the ones to whom you are speaking.
Although the above was not an actual conversation, but it’s close to some that I have had with my family members on too many occasions over the past forty years. It took me a long time to realize that even though I learned the skill to avoid “you” messages in college, whenever I get into a stressful situation, the way I was taught as a child tends to be how I react. And I know that’s not what I should do. Even though I know that starting a sentence with the word “you” almost always puts the other person on the defensive, I find myself doing it anyway. I don’t want to, but I do it.
I am reminded of a quote in the Holy Bible where the Apostle Paul explains my predicament while referring to his own situation. “I don’t understand what I am doing. For I do not do what I want – instead, I do what I hate.” (Romans 7:15). For most people such as I, when the stress levels rise, the worst in us comes out. So, we must re-train ourselves responses.
Use “I” messages instead
Let’s look at the conversation at the beginning and reword it using “I” messages.
Me: Son, I noticed the other night that you were drinking way more than I thought appropriate at the party.
Son: I don’t think I had too much. I can handle my alcohol.
Me: I understand that. However, I heard you say some things I believed were inappropriate to Mr. K.
Son: He knows I was just kidding.
Me: Perhaps he did. I wanted you to know that I felt embarrassed.
Son: You did? I’m sorry, Dad.
Me: I wanted you to know how I felt because I love you.
Son: Thanks, Dad. I’ll watch myself better next time.
Okay, so that sounds a bit hackneyed, but please understand that the “Me” here was sharing his feelings as he watched his “Son” getting drunk. Notice that the conversation in no way accuses anyone of anything. It is simply a father expressing his opinions from his perspective only.
We often forget that we have no “real” control over other people. We can influence, persuade, and maybe offer motivating reasons for acting the way we want. But we cannot force other people to be the way we would like for them to be. And “I” messages convey that understanding.
Note difference in the following two sentences:
“Don’t you dare act like that in my house!” Vs. “I would rather that you showed more respect for me and my friends during your visits to the house. I felt sad seeing you talk and act the way you did.”
The point here is to show the other person the respect they deserve as another human being and not treat them as they don’t matter. Don’t try to control, simply inform the other person of the standard that you attempt to hold; then ask them to hold to that same standard.
No threats. Just kindness while setting your limits.
Here is a typical conversation:
Me: Son, I noticed that you were drinking pretty heavy at the party the other night.
Son: I don’t think I had too much. I can handle my alcohol.
Me: I know you think that. But, you were being mouthy with our guests and even called Mr. K a really bad name.
Son: He knows I was just kidding.
Me: You don’t know that.
Son: I’ve known him for twenty years. I know him. I can tell.
Me: But, you embarrassed me in front of my friends. This has got to stop!
Son: Okay. I won’t come to any more of your parties. How about that?
Sound familiar???
Like it or not using the word “You” produces defensiveness in the ones to whom you are speaking.
Although the above was not an actual conversation, but it’s close to some that I have had with my family members on too many occasions over the past forty years. It took me a long time to realize that even though I learned the skill to avoid “you” messages in college, whenever I get into a stressful situation, the way I was taught as a child tends to be how I react. And I know that’s not what I should do. Even though I know that starting a sentence with the word “you” almost always puts the other person on the defensive, I find myself doing it anyway. I don’t want to, but I do it.
I am reminded of a quote in the Holy Bible where the Apostle Paul explains my predicament while referring to his own situation. “I don’t understand what I am doing. For I do not do what I want – instead, I do what I hate.” (Romans 7:15). For most people such as I, when the stress levels rise, the worst in us comes out. So, we must re-train ourselves responses.
Use “I” messages instead
Let’s look at the conversation at the beginning and reword it using “I” messages.
Me: Son, I noticed the other night that you were drinking way more than I thought appropriate at the party.
Son: I don’t think I had too much. I can handle my alcohol.
Me: I understand that. However, I heard you say some things I believed were inappropriate to Mr. K.
Son: He knows I was just kidding.
Me: Perhaps he did. I wanted you to know that I felt embarrassed.
Son: You did? I’m sorry, Dad.
Me: I wanted you to know how I felt because I love you.
Son: Thanks, Dad. I’ll watch myself better next time.
Okay, so that sounds a bit hackneyed, but please understand that the “Me” here was sharing his feelings as he watched his “Son” getting drunk. Notice that the conversation in no way accuses anyone of anything. It is simply a father expressing his opinions from his perspective only.
We often forget that we have no “real” control over other people. We can influence, persuade, and maybe offer motivating reasons for acting the way we want. But we cannot force other people to be the way we would like for them to be. And “I” messages convey that understanding.
Note difference in the following two sentences:
“Don’t you dare act like that in my house!” Vs. “I would rather that you showed more respect for me and my friends during your visits to the house. I felt sad seeing you talk and act the way you did.”
The point here is to show the other person the respect they deserve as another human being and not treat them as they don’t matter. Don’t try to control, simply inform the other person of the standard that you attempt to hold; then ask them to hold to that same standard.
No threats. Just kindness while setting your limits.
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